TOP DOGS

A few years ago, a company named Balco was at the center of the scandal over banned substances in baseball. They provided steroids and human-growth hormones in creams and other supplements to many a suddenly over-achieving ballplayer. There had to be a reason why not only Barry Bonds’ home run total, but his head had nearly doubled in size. While the scandal raged, I noticed that the Westminster Kennel Show was coming to Madison Square Garden, and I couldn’t help wondering what show dogs would look like if they were fed a little Tetrahydrogestrinone with their holistic kibble. The result was this article. It ran, appropriately, in the New York Times sports section.

Champion Fritzi Balco Anabolic Gal “The Cream”

Champion La Fifi DeSoxymethyltestosterone

Champion Joselito Ultra Andro-Dynadrol THG “El Jugo!”

Champion Tip Mega-Growth Hormone

Champion Jock MacTestosterone of Loch Androstendone

Champion Ka-Ching Tetrahydrogestrinone Blood Dope IV